Every time I try to write something trashy, it gets classy.
- I will learn where people buy toilet paper and stop stealing packs from my parents’ house.
- I will stop actively rooting for the funniest candidates to win the Republican nomination.
- I will not make fun of people who pronounce foreign words correctly.
- I will not get frustrated when my parents put their iPhones in unnecessary protective cases.
- I will make things that don’t include any fart jokes.
- I will not spend my entire shower acting out imaginary arguments.
- I will not buy any new gadgets to help me shave, make coffee, or drink whiskey. I can do these things already.
- I will be on time to things even if I have to wake up early.
- I will use public transportation more often, even though I’m embarrassed that I don’t know how the bus works, and have no idea how to pay other than emptying my pockets in front of the bus driver and saying, “I have this many.”
As they say in the Interwebs: gpoy.
Since 1969, Daniel Dennett has turned philosophers’ names into usable words in the Philosophical Lexicon. Some of my favorites:
buber, v. To struggle in a morass of one’s own making. “After I defined the self as a relation that relates to itself relatingly, I bubered around for three pages.” Hence buber, n. one who bubers. “When my mistake was pointed out to me, I felt like a complete buber.”
derrida, n. A sequence of signs that fails to signify anything beyond itself. From a old French nonsense refrain: “Hey nonny derrida, nonny nonny derrida falala.”
frege, n. (only in the idiom, to beg the frege) To acknowledge the inconsistency of one’s position but maintain it anyway.
heidegger, n. A ponderous device for boring through thick layers of substance. “It’s buried so deep we’ll have to use a heidegger.” Also useful for burying one’s own past.
hume, pron. Indefinite personal and relative pronoun, presupposing no referent. Useful esp. in writing solipsistic treatises, sc. “to hume it may concern.”
immanuel, n. (from im-, not, + manual, guide or rulebook) A set of instructions for doing something that kant (q.v.) be done.
kripke, adj. Not understood, but considered brilliant. “I hate to admit it, but I found his remarks quite kripke.”
marcuse, v. To criticize vehemently from a Marxist perspective. “Je marcuse!”
wittgenstein, v. To enumerate. “Don’t bother to wittgenstein all these pages; the fax machine will do it automatically.”